Internet Dating Adventure Fail Example #5

Toward the end of my cautious optimism involving OkCupid I initiated conversation with an interesting fellow. He was a musician and he had some cool dreadlocks! I had no illusions that he was "the one" by any means but he at least seemed interesting to talk to. We had some back and forth regarding his band and music that we liked. He even linked me to his bands page (it wasn't bad).

A few days later Big Sister and Moony were in town and I met up with them at Starbucks. We were just gonna hang out and sketch together while catching up so I was really dressed down. I believe I was still wearing my pajamas and this old ratty oversized black hoodie. I wasn't wearing makeup and I don't think I even brushed my hair, I just threw it in a ponytail. If I remember correctly I also hadn't bothered with shoes (which really isn't that uncommon for me, shoes suck). I didn't look homeless but I certainly looked broke as shit, not that I cared.

I don't know why, but I get approached by people asking for money a lot. I don't look like I have a lot of money so I really don't know what the attraction is. I used to feel really guilty about it and sometimes if I had change or a couple bucks I'd hand it over. Recently I got freakin' sick of it, especially because many of the people asking act like I don't notice their shiny new brand name shoes or hat, so now if someone asks if I have "spare change" I say no without any hesitation or apology.

So I'm sitting at Starbucks with my much more attractive sister and much more attractive friend drawing in a sketchbook, drinking coffee and talking about transformers (I assume, that seems to dominate the conversation when Big Sister is around lately) when a guy with cool looking dreadlocks comes up and interrupts. He asks if we have spare change. Big Sister gets really flustered and apologizes profusely, Moony politely declines I use my usual semi-annoyed "No" when something clicks. Something is really familiar about those dreadlocks and the shirt he's wearing.

Then I realize holy beans this is the dude I was talking to on OkCupid currently. His shirt is even the same one in the picture. I guess I was lucky I was so dressed down because he didn't recognize me at all as I stared at him in semi-horror. He thanks us and walks away. I wanted to vomit. I felt fear, annoyance, rage, surprise, shock, disappointment and disbelief all at once as I tried to think of a way to explain what just happened to Big Sister and Moony.

Eventually I gave up and went back to drawing.

I stopped responding to his messages - ironically the last one was him inviting me to coffee.

-E

Some Things Go Without Saying

I've never been one to be grossed out at the concept of my parents having sex. I don't understand why other people do. Of course, my mind doesn't go specifically to details so that might be it. It could simply be that my parents were also semi-nudists so lack of clothes seems completely normal.

I don't know if it was because my Mom was German, or that we were living in Germany for most of my young life, but my parents thought it would be a good idea to tell my sister and I where babies came from at an early age.

Or maybe it's because my sister would draw these really interesting stick figures having crazy sex. I don't know where she learned it, I just remember seeing her drawings and then mimicking them. I do remember my mom talking very calmly to us and asking if someone had touched us in that way after she found the drawing books. It wasn't the case, but to this day I really don't know where my big sister got her inspiration.

So around that time my mom and dad sat me down (I assume big sister got her own private sit down) and proceeded to tell me about sex and babies. I was engrossed, I had no idea that stuff like this was real, or this complicated. I asked a lot of questions and my parents handled it like champs. They even told me that when Mommy and Daddy go to bed naked they will probably be having sex and that's why I should knock on the door before coming in.

The conversation wrapped up after I-don't-know-how-long and I skipped off to play with Big Sister. My parents admitted they were bursting with pride at how well my sister and I handled this particular milestone.

The next day my school called and my parents sat me down again to talk about privacy.

-E

So Much Racism!

GooBoy: brb gotta restart

E: Augh

E: racist

GooBoy: I AM NOT A RACIST

E: Also, you're totally racist.

GooBoy: I am the least racist person ever, but you are definitely the most racist.... racist.

E: I'm allowed to be racist

E: I'm hispanic

E: that means I'm entitled

GooBoy: no, that's not what that means

E: yeah

GooBoy: how can you possibly justify that?

E: It's true for every minority.

E: Racism is totally allowed.

E: Nigga (but don't you say it, cause that would make you racist which isn't allowed).

GooBoy: ·_·

E: Jimmy to da jizzeeeee! I don't even know what that means but I can SAY IT and if you say it, it means you're trying to hard to be culturally relevant.

GooBoy: that's not what it means

E: ninja please

E: totally what it means.

GooBoy: well now i'm just getting more and more offended

E: you aren't allowed to be offended by racism

E: cause you're white

E: what do you know about prejudice

GooBoy: we talked about this

E: Yeah, about your cushy white boy life that's never known hardship

GooBoy: I'm going to hurt you

GooBoy: so very badly

GooBoy: in or around the face

E: That would be what we call a "hate crime"

E: Right there? That was "hate threatening"

E: Bro you best watch yo' back or the popo's gun be ALL UP IN YER FACE LIKE WWWUUUUUTTT?!

GooBoy: y'know there are times where you scare me

GooBoy: this is one of those times, but for the wrong reasons

E: I'm not following you

E: which is inherently racist

E: you aren't being culturally sensitive to my lower education

E: which is that way simply because of my race and nothing else.

GooBoy: I... have nothing to say

E: How was my gangstaaaaa talk scary?

E: Did you think I would really call the cops on you?

E: I wouldn't do that over something like that.

GooBoy: you were being retarded

E: YOU CALLIN' ALL MINORITIES RETARDED?!

E: Just cause we din' all up and git yer fancy edumacation!?!

E: Insensitive.

GooBoy: -_-

E: That's right.

E: I love this conversation so much I want to have sex with it.

I do. I reaaaallly do.

This conversation has been edited for time.

-E

Internet Dating Adventure Fail Example #4

Sometimes it's really hard for me not to be a smartass.

Him :hi

E :hi

Him :how are you?

E :Trying to work up the desire to clean

E :How are you?

Him :not bad

Him :just think about how great the end result will be

Him :and that you'll burn calories

Him :that's how i try to think of it

E :Oh sure, all that stuff is great

E :But right now I'm on the -internet-

Him :so get off

Him :the internet i mean

E :Okay

And that's when I logged off of OkCupid. So I didn't leave the internet but I thought it was hilarious and figured I would share.

-E

EDIT: I just got this in my inbox

Missed Instant Message:

Him: hello?

Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!

Prenatal Parasites

The dictionary definition of the word parasite:
"1. an animal or plant that lives in or on another (the host) from which it obtains nourishment. The host does not benefit from the association and is often harmed by it"

Keep that in mind throughout this blog.

When I was younger I used to babysit a lot. I made enough money by the age of thirteen that my mother decided I was officially responsible for all my own toiletries, clothes and anything else a person may find useful in everyday life. I was lead to believe that this was normal and I was lucky that I wasn't being charged rent.

It wasn't until much later when I realized that my friends weren't the exceptions when their parents bought them tons of stuff and gave them money.

I didn't mind though. I really loved babysitting. I felt like I was getting paid to play with kids, watch TV, do homework and just in general have a good productive time. I love kids. To this day I feel more comfortable with them than I do most adults (fewer kid serial killers probably has something to do with this).

When I was eighteen I developed heavily into a phobia. I had a pretty traumatic experience and it got to the point where if I saw an infant I would have a panic attack, sob and generally do anything I could to get away. Even pregnancy would make me distinctly uncomfortable and I would go out of my way to avoid a pregnant lady. This made work difficult when you work at a place like Best Buy or Applebees (I don't anymore, stalkers! Don't get your hopes up). At about 6 months old they (the babies) get okay, when they start having facial expressions, become more mobile, develop more independence and just act more human in general.

Now, because I'm a logical being (Robot) I had to find a way to rationalize this fear. Knowing the cause wasn't making it any easier, and any progress I was making was slow. So I turned to research. I learned about pregnancy and stages of infancy. I learned about what happens when a woman is with child. I learned about how extensive caring for an infant is.

Then I finally figured it out. Fetus' are parasites. They grow inside the womb, destroying their mothers skin fibers, stealing nutrients via amniotic fluid and umbilical cords, causing the bodies hormones to react in unpredictable ways as the body tries desperately to return to homeostasis. Then when they are born the mother must continue consuming enough nutrients to have a supply of food for the same infant she must clean and lose sleep over. Throughout this entire time there is nothing to be gained from this relationship that benefits the mother.

Fetus' and infants are parasites. Females are the hosts.

I don't have panic attacks anymore, which took a lot of conditioning, but I'm still uncomfortable around pregnant women and infants.

Which is doubly weird cause I think tapeworms are neat.

-E

Internet Dating Adventure Fail Example #3

The internet dating world is full of guys who don't want to be shallow, but are. They spend a lot of time talking about how they like "healthy" girls, because we only have one body and we shouldn't abuse it. Sometimes these guys are fit themselves, sometimes they aren't. Personally I think there's nothing wrong with knowing what you find attractive, but I'm certainly annoyed that they think because it's "healthy appearance" that excludes them from the "shallow" category.

I had a bit of back and forth with one of these self professed health nuts. I do mention on my profile, in the spirit of honesty, that I'm overweight and in the process of losing.

Teh haps:i saw your in middle of losing weight, to reach your goal

Teh haps:how is that going?

He brings it up first, we were in the middle of a conversation about travel so I don't even know where the gentle segue was.

E :Until this semester ends it's unfortunately at a standstill. I'm getting older and I can't rock the 18 hour days like I used to

E :Next semester I'll be doing online classes so that should allow for more gym time

I answer honestly. It's only fair, especially since I know this is something important to him. Also I don't have any real interest so if I scare him away I'm not too concerned.

Teh haps:so why is it on a standstill?

As though I didn't just answer that.

Teh haps:are you still watching what you ear?

Teh haps:eat?

Delving for more information. This is where I start to feel uncomfortable, I know it can't really go well.

E :It's at a standstill because I'm working full time and going to school full time. Something had to give and unfortunately it was gym time

E :yes, I am still eating right.

Again I answer honestly. My plate is really full and when I leave the house at seven in the morning and don't get home until ten in the evening, I have to sleep at some point.

Teh haps:truthfully, if you just eat right, that itself will lose a lot of weight for you

This is when I realize that he's not as informed about health as he thinks he is. Not everyone's body works the same, for me if I don't work out hard and eat really well I don't lose weight. Not to mention losing weight without exercise just means the person is going to be skinny and flabby. That's not attractive. I chose not to call him out on it, hoping that eventually the subject would just change sooner.

Teh haps:if you dont mind me asking, how much are you trying to lose?

I didn't mind.

E :Umm, I think I have another 60lbs to go.

I wanted to change the subject here, but I forced myself to keep going because I knew this would be a great blog if he kept on trucking.

Teh haps:its one of the hardest things, eating right

Because obviously I don't know that.

E :I know :/

I was finding it pretty hard to not just start talking about bacon or something.

Teh haps:its a mental thing

Teh haps:if we could just "go crazy" for 2-3 months

Teh haps:lose what you need to lose

Teh haps:then learn how to eat properly

Teh haps:it would make things easier

Teh haps:haha

Wut?

E :Go crazy?

Teh haps:like only eat what you are supposed to eat

I was under the impression that this was supposed to be a lifestyle change for it to properly work but apparently this guy had a completely different idea.

Teh haps:stop eating 2 hour before you go to sleep

I get into this part later because this misconception is a pet peeve of mine.

Teh haps:drink the amount of water that you need

Teh haps:just go at it in full force

Teh haps:and hit the gym for 45min to 1hour a day

Teh haps:if i did that for 1 month...i would be ripped haha

He was really starting to get on my nerves at this point, but I continued to try and stay in control.

E :I like how you're lecturing me and you don't even know my program

Key word: "Try"

E :Also that don't eat before bed thing has been disproved

Really!

Teh haps:really?

Really.

E :Yep

E :Most metabolism myths have

E :like eating breakfast to "jump start" your metabolism. It's true that it causes you to eat less throughout the day, but that has more to do with feeling hungry than metabolic burn

My thoughts here were that if I could show how much I knew he would lay off.

Teh haps:i could be wrong...but the theorys that i have learned

Teh haps:(i am getting into personal training)

Teh haps:still hold true to those 'myths;

He's getting snippy with me, which I found amusing. He was acting like you can't google articles and get the same information a personal trainer could tell you. I thought he was ridiculous.

E :You could be wrong. But how much of that have you just been told and accepted and how much are studies that you read up on yourself?

I intentionally did not leave an option for me to be wrong.

Teh haps:well everything we learn is just someone tell it to us

Teh haps:based on their research

Before I could tell him how idiotic his statement was and how it didn't apply to this situation he covered his tracks. Yes, if you zoom way out to look at the picture this would be true. Since that's not how the real world works....

Teh haps:of course i read up and do research

This disclaimer shows that he also realized his words were showing his dumb.

Teh haps:but essesntially its all one mans research or opinion

Then he went back to being dumb by trying to tie in his argument.

E :well since I don't have to bring up the actual study...

I was being antagonistic at this point. I admit that.

E :http://nutritiondiva.quickanddirtytips.com/does-eating-late-cause-weight-gain.aspx

This site is run by a professional nutritionist that offers free advice.

Teh haps:http://www.flat-stomach-exercises.com/eating-habits.html

This site is trying to sell you a book about how to lose weight "fast".

Teh haps:the article you sent me does make a valid point...that not eating 3 hours before going to sleep wont make you gain more weight

Teh haps:but at the same time it wont promote weight loss

He actually read the article wrong. Long story short the issue is behavioral and if you gorge yourself in the evening you won't lose weight. However if you eat healthy throughout the day and train yourself to eat healthily it doesn't matter when you eat, just how many calories you consumed.

E :Haha, the difference in our sources is mine is a professional just giving advice and yours is trying to sell me something.

I went back to trying to be nice. Almost.

E :Look, you've already made up your mind about what nutrition advice you want to follow and I understand you're just really excited about nutrition and whatnot, but I've lost 40lbs doing what works for my body, I didn't ask for your advice.

Okay, not really.

Teh haps:i didnt bring it up to give you advice...i think it just kinda led into what i think....but it wasnt an attack on you

As usual my bluntness puts him on the defensive and I got excuses.

E :Okay

That is when we stopped talking. I know I was being mean, but I really do have little patience for idiocy or deceit. It's okay to have standards when it comes to attractiveness. This whole stigma attached to appearance is so ridiculous! Society is trying to guilt trip people into having ugly children! That's not how evolution works.

I also could not stand the way he typed! UGH!

Maybe I am too picky?

-E

The Truth Hurts

When I was nine one of the other kids in my classed said that Santa was not real. We got into an argument and eventually it lead to a fist fight. This is about the time that my parents decided to sit me down and let me know the truth.

I remember sobbing for hours as my parents put me through this necessary step toward becoming a grown up. My father felt guilty for lying to me about Santa, because I had trusted him so blindly and it lead to this. My sister made fun of me and my mom got tired of me crying and wandered away because she thought I was being dramatic.

Finally my father told me that Santa may not exist in the north pole but that he existed in our hearts and that was what was really important. I took this to mean that I could believe in whatever I wanted and it would become real. I spent most of the rest of the day proclaiming that I could see unicorns in our backyard and that it was sunny (despite the overcast nature of the day).

My sister confided in me a few years later that she was sure my mind had been broken by the trauma of it all.

A few months ago some friends and I were having a few drinks and talking. Somehow the topic of the Blue Man Group came up. I've never seen any of their shows live or follow where they play or anything. Everything that I know about BMG I know from stumbling across a show broadcasted on television or snippets caught online. I mentioned that I thought the three of them were incredibly talented.

Then the ugly truth came out. I was informed that they have a show almost everyday in Vegas and if they did not somehow have more members there would be no way for tours to occur elsewhere. I first suspected a dozen, then may be a couple dozen until finally it was revealed that there were well over a hundred rigorously trained blue men and that the original guys didn't even perform anymore except on very rare occasions.

I was speechless. I tried to get my friends to admit they were kidding, that they were just saying that to mess with me. I needed them to tell me this. But it was all to no avail. It was the truth and no matter how much coercion I could manage I couldn't make the reality any less real.

Just like sitting on Santa's lap at the mall had lost it's appeal, any interest I had in seeing Blue Man Group live has dissipated. Santa and the original three will live on in my heart forever though.

IS THAT A UNICORN?!

-E

What Not To Do On A Dating Website

As I mentioned before I spent some time on OkCupid before realizing internet dating was not my thing. As a brutally honest paranoid I think I'm in a unique position to offer some feedback on what guys should not put in their profile or should not be said in a message. Here's what I have so far.

1) You can trust me, I'm the nicest guy in (enter location here)
The illogical nature of this sentence almost makes my brain short circuit. I encountered this, presented as a serious argument, twice. The first time I expressed an unwillingness to meet just yet and this is how he tried to convince me. Being me, I immediately thought "That's exactly what a serial killer rapist would say". I told the guy that by asking me to trust him because he was trustworthy wasn't really a point in his favor, in fact it was a tautology. I suggested not doing it again and he was offended. He told me that I was judgmental and mean then tried to guilt trip me into meeting with him in public. I stopped talking to him.

After that encounter I actually put on my profile under my list of Do's and Don'ts to please not say "You can trust me, I'm the nicest guy in (location)" because it was creepy and weird. A week or so later I was talking to a guy and he said that he had noticed on my profile that I had put that. His response? "I know you don't want to hear this, but you really can trust me. I'm really nice." I told him that he was creepy and it wasn't going to work. Then I blocked him and tried to reign in a panic attack. So much was going through my mind I don't know what came first (after the initial OMG RUN reflex). I do know that there was severe annoyance and shock that he somehow thought he was super special and exempt from the rules. Confusion because I don't think I had given him any indication that I even liked him that much.

So anyway, don't say stuff like that. It's creepy.

2) Don't start off your profile with "My friends made me to do this, I don't really know what to write... just message me if there's anything you want to know"
There's four things wrong with starting off a profile like this. The first is that this is not original or cute anymore, way too many people use it. All the ladies have seen the Romantic Comedies where the guy gets lassoed into doing something and while this tactic may work on the less creative of the female populace, it doesn't work on anyone worthwhile.

The second part is that it makes me think that you're a pushover ninny and you just do what people tell you to. Don't start off a profile acting like you don't have some kind of choice. You sound whiny when you say your friends "made" you do something. Wah wah, if you didn't want to do it, you didn't have to. If you wanted to, then own up to it. Or better yet, you don't even have to mention it because obviously if you're on the site you want to do it. It goes without saying.

The third part is probably the most irritating for me, personally. You don't know what to say about yourself? Really? You should understand yourself at least well enough to start off with some likes and dislikes. How do you not know what to say? Can you really not start off with where you are in life right now? You're not interesting or mysterious just because you don't disclose that you play halo for eights hours a day and are unemployed (that's my default assumption for someone that has a profile like this unless they specify otherwise elsewhere).

The fourth and final part is the trap where you are instructing others to message you if they want to know anything. Um, no. That's not how this game works. It's pretty straightforward. Like fishing. You put bait on the hook, cast the line and then wait for a fish to bite. You don't lean over the side and say, "Hey fish! If you want to see if there's any tasty food in this boat you should totally hop in." It doesn't work like that. Any fish that falls for that should drop out of the gene pool anyway (That's my analogy for one night stand v. relationship, get it? Too vague? Okay).

3) Don't be negative
Don't say stuff like "I'm really boring" or "I'm so lonely" or spend your whole profile talking about stuff you hate. This is a sign of serious lack of confidence, low self esteem and some prominent clingyness (that's not a real word. Why is that not a real word? It should be a real word). All you're portraying is that you're miserable and are incomplete without someone else and frankly, it reeks of desperation.

I'm not saying deny any of your faults, for the record. There are ways of putting a positive light on negative situations. Like how someone might say, "Yeah I'm overweight, but no one will love your cooking as much as me!" That's cute.

4) Don't do "tests".
Once again this is really illogical. The person that does this will intentionally misrepresent themselves to make sure you aren't. So in their mind, it's okay for them to lie and be fake, but if you do then you fail and they won't "waste" their time on you. This has happened to me twice. Bad things happen in twos in the internet dating world apparently. I started talking to this one guy because he was an Ayn Rand fan. I found out later that he lied about not only having a good paying job (information that he volunteered! I did not ask him), but he lied about having a job entirely (I'll be honest, having some sort of income is a prerequisite for me. Having income is a pretty good indicator of stability and the type ethics that I look for in a male partner). He said he lied because he was testing to see how many girls were only out for his money. I told him I was out for honesty and stopped talking to him.

5) Don't pull the race card.
I've actually come across profiles and messages where it was insinuated that if I didn't respond that I was racist. In the mind of these guys there was no possibility that I wasn't interested because they lived too far away, or did drugs on a regular basis, or we just disagreed on fundamental issues. If I didn't respond, it would be because I'm a racist. I'm sure somewhere there are a few self-hating (insert ethnicity here) chicks that fall into that trap to prove how "open-minded" they are but I believe that this tactic is a form of manipulation. At it's core that is evil and only brings me right back into the "OMG RAPIST" mentality. That's completely normal, right?

So that's what I've got so far. I'm sure I'll be able to collect more later and add to the list as time goes on and I have new encounters or randomly remember old ones.

-E

Dreams Coming True: Good Vs. Bad

In movies whenever a character is having a bad day it's pretty much an unspoken rule that it has to be raining and eventually a car will drive past, through a puddle, and splash the aforementioned character causing him/her to be soaked. This of course is usually hilarious and the person is first shocked and then usually pretty angry about it.

It's been raining lately and I love driving through puddles. I will go out of my way to drive through puddles multiple times if I must. I love this. As I was splashing and laughing maniacally as I often do (it feels right) I got to thinking. If there was a person there I'd very obviously notice, and I would never splash someone on purpose. That's a level of horrible that even I wouldn't cross.

On that note, does that even happen in real life? I've never seen someone get a huge splash from a car. That's when I realized - this is my new dream (I have a lot, a whole list)! I want to get splashed by a car driving past me! That would be so awesome right? It doesn't matter where you're going because when you show up you suddenly have an awesome story to tell!

Boss: Why are you soaking wet?

E : A car drove by me and I got splashed by a huge puddle!!

Boss: Awesome!!!

Okay, so maybe boss wouldn't think it's awesome, probably more likely that I would get sent home to change but at least it's interesting right?

I've also always wanted to meet my very own Dwight Schrute from The Office. I always believed I would have so much fun with a character like that!

So a few weekends ago I was at a speech tournament. Another competitor/friend of mine that I have nicknamed Puppy (If you knew him, you would totally understand) had to go off campus to have a smoke since the college that was hosting doesn't allow smoking. At all. It was pretty ridiculous.

So we were standing on the edge of the very small side road, just past a speed bump. Suddenly this Mitsubishi blares past us, flying over the speed bump and the front of the car slams onto the road and directly into a puddle. The splash hit us with the accompanying crunch of the bumper against asphalt. I was in shock for a moment.

Puppy goes on about they were idiots and they got karma and pointed out that they slowed down substantially for the next speed bump fifty feet up. I look at him with what I imagine to be wonder and joy in my eyes.

E : We totally got splashed!!!

Puppy: Wut? (In my head he talks like this)

E : I thought this only happened in movies! I've been wanting this to happen to me! Sure it wasn't a huge splash but dude!!! This is awesome!!!

I was very excited. I think some of it rubbed off on Puppy because he wasn't in as bad a mood and seemed at least amused by my happiness. So it may not have been the gigantic theatrical tidal wave but the lower half of my body got adequately soaked and I feel like I can accept that.

On that note, another dream of mine came true. I went to Joe J. Johnson II's family Thanksgiving this year since my family lives out of state and I can't afford to go visit them. I was very happy to be invited. His Aunt has adopted a couple of kids. The story is quite sad actually, as the one in particular I will be mentioning is literally a drug baby, now 16-years-old.

He was sitting in a chair working on some wires. A small child goes up and comments on the wires "smelling weird". The 16-year-old makes a face, smells the wires and states that the wires have no smell. The child continues insisting that they smell weird and the older one keeps responding that there's no smell.

To dispel the situation I, being a know-it-all and enjoying sharing interesting information, pipe up.

E : Actually, the young one may just be able to smell better than we can. As we grow older neurons die off in our nose, just like they do in taste buds. This means that just like he has a more sensitive sense of taste than we do, he's also got a more sensitive sense of smell. So while he can smell a faint strange odor, we may just be too old to catch it.

There is a moment of silence while the young one toddles off and the older kid looks at me before he speaks up to say a single word.

Dwight: False.

(See what I did there? Named him Dwight, get it?)

At that point I am both crushed and enraged. This was my dream coming true. I wanted to meet a Dwight and here he is. Unfortunately he's a drug baby so I can't mess with him without feeling guilty about taking advantage of a kid who has little to no control over his abilities. I end up grumbling something about my college anatomy class and then disappearing into another room with other folk to play Pokemon Ruby.

It's not fair.

At the end of the day, I think it's pretty worth it though - having dreams. Sure they may not all be what I expect them to but the joy I got from being splashed outweighs any temporary crossness I may come across when they aren't quite what I expect.

I hope it rains again soon!

-E

The Plan: Raising Awareness

I was watching the news the other day and there was a local fundraiser that was being covered. Some of you may be surprised that I keep up on the news and current events. Yes, I do. If you really want to be scared, know that I vote. Hah.

So this fundraiser... as I was watching it was announced that the local group was raising money for Global Warming Awareness. I couldn't help but question the "awareness" part of that equation. Think about it, by now, who isn't aware of global warming. Whether you believe in it or not you've at least heard the phrase and know what it's all about.

Not to mention, if you're just raising awareness about a subject, what do you need that much money for? It's not like a charity where money goes toward people in need (an obvious problem that obviously requires money). Couldn't you just spend twenty bucks on a megaphone and scream about it until more people are aware of it? Or even for free just write a few letters to the editor until you get published somewhere. Isn't just having a fundraiser raising awareness? This spreads by word of mouth best of all! So what are they really raising money for?

That's when it struck me - these people are obviously secret geniuses and I want in.

I'm going to hold my own fundraiser to raise awareness. My fundraiser will raise awareness about cough drops, volcanoes in Antarctica or even disappearing bees. Then, when the fundraiser is over I can pocket all that money and call it a day. Think about it, I did my job. I raised awareness so much people were willing to hand me money. I can keep doing that and keep doing that and eventually millions of people will be paying attention and I'll be turning a profit and no one will be the wiser and everyone will be aware.

What else am I supposed to do? Write a check to "awareness"? That would only work if I changed my name.

-E

Solved: Global Warming

A few weeks ago I was watching TV and I found out what the true cause of global warming is.

We're so concerned with the sun melting the polar ice caps because of a deteriorating ozone layer, but there's an even more serious threat that's much closer to home.

Did you know there are many active Volcanoes in Antarctica?!

Lava beats ice, people.

-E

Don't Take My Turkey Day

Today while I was finishing up some dip for dinner later today I sent out a mass text wishing everyone a "Happy Turkey Day!" I felt this was a good cheerful way to start off the morning. Until I got back about three text messages wishing me a happy "Indian Genocide Day" or some alteration of this.

This is annoying, and I have a few responses to it.

1) If we're going to play the politically correct game, it's "Native American" not "Indian".

2) The very first Thanksgiving was about living peacefully together, it wasn't a blind slaughter where the Pilgrims murdered every Native American that showed their face. This means, even the first Thanksgiving was a celebration of love and peace. What may have transpired later by different colonists is not what this day is about.

3) I know you think you're "culturally aware" by mentioning genocide on a holiday about love, but really this just makes you look like a dick. You're taking a holiday where people get together with family and friends and are just generally happy and you're turning it into something ugly, just to bring other people down, just because you took some Native American studies class so you have to show off how much you "know".

4) You may want to celebrate the genocide of a people (you monster!), but I like to celebrate coming together, the feast, and the chance to share with people I don't normally see throughout the year how appreciative I am for them.

5) Quit living in the past. I'm a pagan, people with my beliefs were practically wiped out when Christianity took over and I still live with encountering the prejudice in this day and age. I don't dwell on it though, it's not worth it. If we did nothing but be sad about things that happened to our ancestors, nothing would get done! I am an individual and just as I am not burdened by the prejudice of the past I will not feel guilty for perpetuating a negativity that I, personally, had nothing to do with. I'm all about moving forward, yo.

6) If you really can't get over Thanksgiving, then instead of shoving your negativity down peoples throats, do something private or with other people you believe like you do. Frankly, that's just rude and borderline oppressive. Maybe you can start thinking up ways to ruin Christmas for everyone else too?

For the rest of you? Happy Turkey Day! Get stuffed! Be Merry!

-E

Internet Dating Adventure Fail Example #2

I unfortunately did not save the messages from this next internet dating site failure. However, the experience was so unique I remember quite clearly what happened. So most of this will be from memory and in a different format than the last one. Also, a friend of mine (Joe J Johnson II) who I had a skype conversation with about this guy happened to save some of the messaging back and forth.

It started off when I logged in to find a message where the guy didn't even make a pretense at getting to know me. All he offered was that he was interested and then went on to invite me to go over to his house for pizza and a movie.

If you remember from my earlier post, I'm already nervous about meeting people from the internet in a public place, let alone going over to some strange guys house. I sent him a message telling him that I was uncomfortable with his plan.

His response perplexed me. He said that he wished he could take me out somewhere fancy or to the movies or something else equally awesome but that he couldn't. Filled with curiosity at this dramatic statement I had to ask him why none of these things could happen, what could make him resort to pizza and a movie? I thought maybe he was unemployed or had a phobia of public places. His answer was both shocking and cliche.

Turns out he's under house arrest because he was going over 155 miles per hour and didn't pull over when the cops tried to stop him. He said he didn't get a DUI or anything and he didn't do anything wrong it was just a mistake. Apparently in his world, going more than twice the speed limit is not doing anything wrong...

I sent him a message back

E: I'm going to be honest with you.

Even if you weren't under house arrest I wouldn't meet you at your house on the first meeting. I have no way of knowing your intentions and assuring me otherwise far from makes me feel comfortable with that idea.

I have no interest in dating a guy that's currently under house arrest. I am curious why you would possibly run from the cops if you had nothing to run from - because that's what it sounds like you are saying which to me seems deceptive. I don't think you're a bad guy, I think you did a stupid thing and now you're paying for it. Unfortunately that means that for now you miss out on dating me.

I was not expecting this as a response.

House Arrest Guy: and that's fine with me, because apparently you're extremely judgemental. you have no clue why i'm on house arrest and yet you think i'm being deceptive. no thanks. i'll find someone who isnt going to judge me before meeting me.

PS. i'm on house arrest because i ran from the cops in order to save the life of my ex-fiance. the judge didnt want to sentence me but his hands were tied. I got in trouble for doing the right thing, so sue me.

PSS. under no other circumstance would i ever ask you to meet me at my house, nor would i want you knowing where i live, however this is the only way i can meet new people.

have a great day.

No joke, he said that.

It terrified me, but being a know-it-all bint trumps my inherent paranoia so I had to get the last word in.

E: 1) If you were saving someone's life, maybe pulling over and telling the POLICE would have been a good idea, which is why I said it was a stupid thing to do.

2) I never said you were being deceptive, I said it seemed deceptive. If I thought you were outright lying I never would have bothered with responding but I was curious to give you a chance.

3) Yes, I'm judging you. Everyone does it. You said you were under house arrest and you were unclear as to why. However to assume that all judgments are wrong or negative is naive.

4) You already ASKED me to meet you at your place so don't get all high and mighty about it now. I understand this is the only way to meet new people and that's fine, but I like to go out and DO things which is why I said I wouldn't date you - no other reason. If you were paying attention you would have noticed that I said "FOR NOW". I never said I had no interest in continuing to talk with you.

So you've managed to be a complete hypocrite, jump to incorrect conclusions and throw a tantrum all in one message. Congratulations. I'm officially NOT interested in you in any way shape or form.

Then I blocked him.

I still hope he doesn't manage to e-stalk me and find me cause that guy is obviously crazy.

-E

Adventures In The Bathroom

I think it's generally pretty silly when people refuse to use public toilets.

It's not that I don't understand the anxieties! On the contrary, using a toilet causes me much consternation. It's very uncomfortable. There are a few reasons for this.

1) I'm convinced everyone can hear me pee.
This is the worst in stall-type bathrooms. I have been informed that I pee loudly. This is because I don't like to waste time on the toilet, so rather than just relaxing and letting it dribble out (as I've been told is the proper way for a lady to go) I just... push it out. Ever since I was made aware of this particular fault of mine I'm always convinced that the person in the next stall is thinking "What the- who let the race horse in here?!".
The logical side of my brain tells me that there is no way this is the case. The crazy side of my brain screams and tries to run away. Of course it's too late. The habit has been formed since childhood. I have been unable to teach myself to "relax and dribble". This anxiety follows me to the one person bathrooms at work, my friends bathrooms and even my own if I have someone over or if my roommate is home. Also, the same multiplied goes for number twosies.

2) I don't think people actually wash their hands.
I walked out of a stall one night right as a girl turned the faucet on. She didn't notice me because it was a creepy mirror-less bathroom (don't get me started) and I was behind her. However, instead of washing her hands she texted on the phone. She then left while I was washing my hands, without ever washing hers. She either just likes ambiance for when she texts, or she turned the sink on to pretend to wash her hands so she wouldn't have to actually do it, but no one would think she hadn't.
Now I am paranoid about people not washing their hands. When someone walks out of a stall before me, or if I'm waiting outside the bathroom at work I can't help but strain to hear the sounds of hands under the water, disrupting the flow. I try and listen for the light thunk of soap being dispensed from the dispenser. This is intrusive, and I know this. That's why I always act like someone is listening and I'm as loud as I can be when I'm washing my hands.

3) I don't always go into a stall to go to the bathroom.
Sometimes, like when I'm at the gym, I go to a bathroom stall to change. This is because unlike other women in the locker room, I have no desire to bare my breasts and ass for all to see. I'm far more comfortable changing in privacy. This usually isn't a bit deal until I get all changed, leave the stall and go back into the locker room only to realize what it looks like.
All other people are probably noticing is some girl leaving a stall and then going to use public machines to work out. Since the toilet automatically flushes they don't know that I didn't use it! I've gotten glares, comments and whispered conversations. I'm just guilty by association. Sometimes I just wash my hands so people don't think anything of it, which is annoying because it's a waste of time.

4) I hate cheap toilet paper
This isn't always a problem, like at work or at home I don't have to worry. However whenever I'm at school, at a speech tournament or any place that has a high volume of people using the facilities the toilet paper is almost always really cheap. It might have to do with saving money, or being "green" by getting the single ply instead of the double. Of course that whole concept is idiotic. If someone needs to use 2-3 times the normal amount of TP to make sure it doesn't leak through, that's not saving anything.
I've always found that if I need to work really hard to get toilet paper, I'll find a really effective way to get enough and then usually it's even more than I need - but who's going to use leftover toilet paper? On that note, then I start getting concerned with the amount of TP being used. If I use too much, the toilet could get clogged and then I have a whole other issue.

5) WHAT IF THE TOILET GETS CLOGGED?!
This has happened to me about three times. Either it was clogged before and I didn't notice, or I used too much TP, or it was just a cheap toilet. Regardless of what happened, it means that if someone is out there waiting to use the bathroom I'm going to either have to sprint out, or admit to what I've done. There is sometimes the off chance that the timing is just right so I can pretend that I stumbled across it that way. Fear like this is why I'll sometimes flush halfway through and then again when I'm done.

Despite all of this, my need to go trumps my desire for comfort.

That's why I think it's silly for people to refuse to use public toilets.

-E

Twinkies Are Filled With Cream!

I came into the office at my usual hour to see Handy Dandy Man from the warehouse and an accomplice painting the wall behind the reception desk. I decided to get some coffee and just come back when they finished in half an hour, as they promised.

By the time I came back up front they were almost finished and my co-receptionist (whom I will refer to as Sparkles) had arrived as well. I mentioned that I didn't think the paint matched the carpet (it doesn't). We began discussing our own preferences.

E : It doesn't match the carpet.

Handy Dandy Man: What color would you pick? Pink?

E : No, Sparkles would pick pink or purple. I would pick lime green and black.

Sparkles: That's because I'm a happy person!

E : What about lime green is not happy?

Sparkles: The black part.

E : That's for contrast. Color blocking. Color blocking is a fashion term. That means I know about fashion. Besides, I'm not unhappy, I'm just filled with rage.

And it's true (not the part about knowing fashion, that's a complete lie). For the most part I'm a very happy person. I smile a lot, I'm easily entertained, I laugh so much. The only problem is the contrast - it's as easy for me to rage out as it is for me to laugh. I could be laughing and joking with Sparkles one minute and then I answer a phone call, talk to a horrible customer and end up writing a blog raging about how people won't just leave a voicemail!

This is especially highlighted by my attitude when I'm driving.

I sing and bop along to music when I drive, grinning at pedestrians and waving at pelicans, just enjoying life in general. Suddenly someone does something stupid, that may not even affect me directly, and I'm cussing up a storm, screaming about how I want them to DIE FROM CANCER! Then the song changes to Lady Gaga and I start singing and bopping again.

This probably has something to do with anger and joy being the only two emotions that I can understand and manage. Any other emotion makes me uncomfortable so my brain has rerouted whatever else I may feel to one of those - or I just shut down completely. Afterall, as a robot there is only so much my circuits can handle.

So that's how you can be happy and still filled with rage. <3

-E

The Plan: Music Industry

I've been listening to a lot more rap/hip hop type music lately. I think I'm attracted to the mindlessness of it all. Sometimes when I need to just shut off my brain, depth is kinda hard to handle.

I've noticed a couple things that sometimes concern me.

Some of these songs are pretty thinly veiled advocates for (date) rape.

Seriously! Check out these lyrics directly from "DJ Got Us Falling In Love" by Usher
"She don't wrestle, but I got her in a headlock
Yabba dabba doo make her bed rock
Mami on fire, pss, red hot"

I can't be the only person to see rape in those lyrics. It doesn't help that throughout the whole song Usher is telling this girl to live like it's the last night of her life. To not worry and just keep drinking. Really Usher? You want me to keep drinking? Why do you want me drunk so badly? Why do I have to give up on tomorrow?

Another thing I noticed is that a lot of this type of music starts off with the artist hissing/whispering their own name. Sometimes it's in the middle or at the end of the song, but it's far more common at the beginning.

The only remotely logical explanation I can think of for doing something like this is a type of "watermark". But even that doesn't make sense. Of course if someone were to steal the song there are legal procedures in place that are far more effective. For example: Copyright law.

Obviously the real reason is because these creators think that their name, and by proxy themselves, is so amazing that they must utter it as often as possible. Maybe they consider it a kindness?

So I've decided that I'm going to be a popstar, just like Usher and Beyonce or whatever. I'm going to make a song that's nothing but me saying/hissing/whispering/screaming/shouting/suggesting/projecting/snapping and snarling my name over and over and over again. That'll be the whole song. I will say that I'm making a political statement. Or something like that. Celebrities do that all the time right?

Next a guy is going to make a song, about someone with my name. He'll sample bits of my song while singing about some person and using me uttering my own name every time the name comes up. Of course this will be a breach of copyright law because I would never have given the okay for my song to be used in such a way.

I would then sue him and it would be huge publicity for both of our songs.

No one would ever know that we were in cahoots the whole time and it was just a set up to get our music noticed.

-E

Internet Dating Adventure Fail Example #1

I don't always think before I speak. Sometimes, even when I do think before I speak, I say horrible things without even intending to. What I consider to be impartial truth can really hurt peoples feelings.

Here's a bit of back and forth I had with a guy from OkCupid. I am not editing any spelling, just throwing in some commentary.

John: hi i'm john. I live in vista as well. currently attending school as a psych major. don't meet your reqs. but write back if interested. bye.

The "reqs" he was talking about were the requirements in a partner that I had put on my profile. Stuff like: local only, must be 21+, must not live with parents, must be employed, must be able to spell/type properly. After he sent me this message I checked his profile and indeed, he didn't meet any of my requirements. I remember he also spent a great deal of his profile bemoaning about how "boring" he is cause he never goes out or does anything other than daydream. He was probably trying to come across as artistic, but it didn't work.

E : Are you a masochist?

I think that's a worthy inquiry. I really couldn't figure out why he was messaging me to begin with.

John: as a psych major i don't tend to the more depressing illnesses which plague people. that i find disappointing. its unfortunate. but in asking me if I am a masochist, i would respond no; i would not think of myself as one to derive pleasure from pain. : / perhaps my interest in creative types extends too far beyond what is feasible in a relationship for someone like me. that i shall one day learn...
hmm... perhaps i should be more honest...maybe your accusation of my being a masochist is not unfounded. as a picture of a woman with snake around her and dark hair is both mysterious and interesting, offering the glimpse into a woman who is both interesting yet possibly emotionally disturbed. don't take it personally, im just replying to your accusation. such interests perhaps are not meant to last anyways.
oh. and i don't mean to say you're emotionally disturbed! sry.

I secretly love it when people "talk" like this. Especially when the proper use of a shift key is never executed. They think using words like "perhaps" shows that they have an extensive vocabulary and obviously are very Merlin-like in their wisdom. It's delicious. My favorite part is when he uses a semicolon, but rarely an apostrophe.

E : You draw that conclusion from the idea that my love for snakes is based in morbidity, which isn't necessarily unfounded until you read my profile and see that I have great love for all animals. I don't consider myself mysterious because I am very open and honest. As far as whether or not I'm interesting I can't really be the judge of that because to me, I'm completely normal.

Seriously, I think I'm pretty normal. It's only when other people look at me like I'm a crazy person does it register in my mind that something might be off.

As far as emotionally disturbed there's nothing to base that sort of assumption on, so it comes across as though you're trying to sound deep, understanding and knowledgeable which makes me laugh. :)

Pertaining to my "accusation" that you seemed to take so personally (which wasn't an accusation, it was an honest question) I simply asked because we very obviously have little to nothing in common and have very conflicting personalities which is easy to glean from profiles and answered questions. You obviously knew this as you stated it in your first message to me, but therein lies the hint of masochism... you messaged me anyway. Which means you're either really desperate (which is unattractive) or you like being rejected/abused because it gives you that little bit of extra to make you seem interesting and you cling to it desperately so you don't feel quite so boring (which you mention several times in your profile).

Oh. And I didn't mean to say you were desperate! Sorry.

As you can see, one of my favorite parts about his last message was the disclaimer, which I joyfully mimicked in my response.

To be honest, I wasn't really mad or annoyed at this point. I was so very amused at the prospect of a person like this actually existing in the world. I also didn't realize how mean I was being. I had to come back later and a friend pointed out exactly which parts were "too harsh". Even then, if I could do it again I would probably write the same message.

John: Well at least you got the definition of masochism correct.
Our conclusions as to why I am a masochist are completely different!!! lol

At this point I couldn't tell if he genuinely thought he was attempting condescension or if he actually thought he was being funny. I went with the former, because it was so much more fun to respond to.

E : I made no comment on "why" you're a masochist, I simply explained my reasoning as to what made me ask if you were a masochist. These constant misunderstandings and assumptions have made me not only question your choice of a major, but also your grasp of the English language.

Good luck on your quest to find the right person for you. I am not her by a long shot. Boring is not my style.

P.S. Masochism is not a "depressing illness". According to dictionary.com
"1. Psychiatry . the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation. "

It has nothing to do with depression or illness, it's simply an alternative preference. You aught to watch how judgmental you are if you actually plan on dealing with patients. You should also know what something actually is before condemning it.

That's when he stopped talking to me.

I stumbled across his profile later and saw that he had changed his major from Psych to Liberal Arts. There was a little piece of me that was proud to have impacted someone's life so much. I prevent myself from feeling bad by remembering how horrible he was at psychology, I saved him from a life of failure by being brutally honest (mean).

Right?

-E

Internet Dating: Not My Thing

After I was dumped last December I figured I should do something to speed along the recovery process.

So I joined OkCupid.

At first it was pretty neat. The site itself was fun, setting goals like making your profile interesting, answering questions to determine your matches and even quizzes! Talking to people was utterly fascinating. The problems didn't arise until things got more personal.

First they wanted to know my real name. Often, it was requested in the first message which made me really uncomfortable. I found that I didn't like telling people my name until after we had established that we have good conversations and after I've decided that I don't hate them. Even then they're getting first name only.

Sometimes my IM username or my email address was requested. There are a few problems with this. The first being my concern that someone I didn't really know would have access to me whenever I logged in. This would become even more awkward if I decided later that I didn't like them but I would be too afraid to block them because stuff like my email/real name is attached to my IM and then they could go all stalker on me, find me and kill me. So I generally didn't give that out either.

A few people requested my phone number. If it was requested in the first message ever sent to me I had no problem saying no. However I felt more guilt for people that I had been speaking with for a while. I didn't have a set amount of back and forth messages before I was okay with giving out my phone number, it really varied based on how much I enjoyed their conversation and if I believed them to be a serial killer or not. This made any rejections very uncomfortable - I mean, is there a good way of saying, "I'm not giving you my phone number because I'm afraid you'll use it to track my address which you will then use to break into my house where you will then rape me and kill me"?

There were a few guys that I did give my number to. More often than not, this was a mistake. It meant that they could text and call me, even after I decided I didn't want to talk to them anymore. This became profoundly awkward as I struggled for a socially acceptable way to inform a (most likely) well-meaning individual that I no longer wanted to even feign interest. This was highlighted by the guy who pestered me for days asking "Why!?" and then spamming me with hate messages after I broke down and told him that I felt he was too obsessed with me in too short a time.

Then there were the blokes that wanted to meet up face to face. Again this was an easy response for people that had only sent one message. But as I wasted more and more of a guys time on messages back and forth it made saying "No" that much more problematic. The idea of meeting a stranger off of the internet terrified me. No amount of good experience I may have had made this prospect any less scary. Each new person was a statistical chance toward a sociopath rapist.

I did meet a few people in person after biting the bullet and telling myself that this was normal. People meet from the internet all the time. However as time went on a few of these events rarely turned out to be anything worth risking my life for. It got to be more than I could bear. Eventually I got so terrified of having to cancel dates or turn guys down that I just suspended my account before I lost my mind.

This might all seem very ranty and less than funny but I felt like I had to write this portion to introduce the idea. At the very least I got a few amazing stories from my experience with internet dating. Stories that I plan to share.

So.... be prepared I guess.

-E

Nice E Vs. Paranoid E

Sometimes I feel bad for people if they meet me drunk.

When I've been drinking I love the world. I think people are good and we should just all get along. I'm happy and carefree and don't worry about stuff like politics, welfare, taxes, rapists, pedophiles, money, or personal space. All I care about is that right now life is swell.

Now if those people only interact with me when I'm drinking I suppose that's fine, but since I don't drink very much anymore those chances are pretty low. This is a shame because the sober me is different. The sober me doesn't want to tell people what city I live in. The sober me carries a knife. The sober me gets itchy and anxious in crowds and has to restrain myself from reacting violently to minor infractions of personal space.

This is illustrated perfectly from a mental reaction I had a few days ago.

I was walking to my car after class. My classes don't end until it's dark out and even though it makes me anxious, I park off campus to get more exercise.

As I make my way through the large parking lot I, being constantly aware of my surroundings, notice a fellow behind me and to the right. He's normal looking enough but this doesn't make me feel any better because they pretty much always look normal. I keep an eye on him. My paranoid meter really lit up with I notice a man in front of me (and to the right) walking on crutches.

Instead of thinking "Aww, poor guy got hurt!" my mind goes immediately to "OMG TED BUNDY" and I start thinking up ways to avoid him in case he starts looking like he's struggling with his backpack or if he falls down (for those that don't know, Ted Bundy used to trick young women by pretending to be hurt and having them help him to his car which he would then push them in, kidnap them, rape them, torture them for days and finally kill them). My heart starts pounding, I start sweating even though it's freezing out and I'm walking as fast as I can short of breaking into a run because I don't want to draw any attention to myself that might let him know that I'm on to his evil plot.

I panic even more when he picks up his crutches and starts walking normally (see, I bet up until this point you thought I was crazy and was panicking needlessly. Obviously I was right so there). I generally like to stay behind people that I'm being cautious about because strangers standing behind me make me nervous. Unfortunately I already have guy #1 behind me and since I've got a much better chance of outrunning two people than fighting them (if necessary) I decide that I'm going to pick up the pace and get in front of Bundy.

It gets even worse. For me. Suddenly guy #1 is also picking up the pace. In my mind this has to be intentional because I'm practically booking it at this point and since I'm already on edge about the crutches, obviously, this guy is also a serial killer as far I know. I take out my knife, concealing it in my hand under my sweater and try to hold my breath (to hear better) which is incredibly difficult because I'm hyperventilating at this point. He's gaining on me and crosses the street when I do and just as I'm readying myself to be attacked... he turns down another road and walks away from me.

I bolt to my car, make sure no one is hiding in it (I do this every time I get into my car), throw my things inside, jump in and lock the doors, turn on my car (just in case I have to take off quickly), and then finally I'm able to catch my breath and calm myself down.

Anyway, this is why I feel bad for people who meet me drunk. They think I'm cool and nice but in reality my crazy is as easy to ignore as a pile of matches soaked in lighter fluid.

I'm lucky that I look so normal.

-E