Monday, January 24, 2011

Some Sleepy-Time Stories

Almost every person I've ever known has had sleep issues. Usually it's some form of insomnia, because that's what all the cool kids have nowadays. You aren't cool unless you're on your computer at 3am wondering why, in the harsh light of the monitor, your mind won't shut off and let you sleep.

Right now some of you are probably thinking "BUT I RLY HAF INSOMNIA! Y U DOUT MEE?!" and I don't care.

I don't often have a problem with sleeping unless there's something wrong. Migraines are really great at keeping me awake.

I certainly prefer to be awake early in the morning and late at night. I like to believe it's my Spanish heritage that makes me want to siesta. It's difficult for me to do anything between noon and three because really all I want to do is take a nap - especially if it's hot out. I'll sleep right through that if I have a choice.

When I was a baby my mom used to put my sister and I in the car and drive around until we fell asleep. This was great for her when she was a young parent and her daughters were being stubborn babies. This has had some strange side effects on me as an adult.

If I am riding passenger and I don't sit up straight I pass out. I could be really uncomfortable, just downed an energy drink or two and woken up for sleeping for twelve hours straight I will -still- konk out. It's not as bad when I'm the one driving.

Please note, I used the term "as bad". If I'm even a tiny bit sleepy my eyes will close, my head will droop and I won't even notice. There have been a few close calls. There have even been occasions when I looked up and I am ten miles past where I'm supposed to be and don't even know how I got there and time has magically jumped forward. It can be quite terrifying.

I still drive. So... beware I guess.

That's not the odd stuff though. I don't share a place with people anymore so I don't get as much feedback but here's a short tale to whet your appetite for coming blogs.

I was in Utah and spending the night with Moony. I woke up and my feet were on the pillow where my head used to be, while my face was by Moony's feet. I didn't think anything of it.

Upon waking I was informed that at some time in the middle of the night I had woken my friend by calling her name and grabbing her hand, while I was all flipped around so I was doing some crazy back bend exercise because obviously while I'm sleeping I lose the ability to look over my shoulder, looking at her as though what I had to say was very urgent.

Moony: What? What is it E?

E : I.... I like corn.

Then I went back to sleep.

It is true. I do really like corn.


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Just A Quick Note

I promised myself I would never be depressing, so don't take this the wrong way.

I am on a temporary hiatus.

Really temporary. A few more days and I should be fine.

My Opa passed away and it hit me a bit harder than I expected.

I'm not feeling too funny currently.

On Monday I promise a fresh, new, funny post.

Hopefully funny.

That's what I try for anyway.


Friday, January 14, 2011

Rage Against Invisible Walls

I fancy myself a nerd. I like comic books, manga, anime, cartoons, reading, video games, DND, sci-fi, webcomics, the works. If it's nerdy, I've at least dabbled in it.

When it comes to video games I generally stick to RPG's and adventure games. I prefer consoles though I also like online MMORPG's such as Ragnarok or WoW. I'm a huge fan of Nintendo, the only new console that I have is a Wii because Xbox and Playstation don't have enough games that I'm interested in. I also have a gold limited edition DSlite with a zelda Triforce on it that I play regularly.

I don't like the Halo franchise. I kind of hate it. I think it's overrated and has inundated the gamer world with posers that think because they play a stupid game like Halo they can officially call themselves gamers when a something like Ninja Gaiden would make them want to die (seriously, it's really hard).

I'm also really bad at first person shooters. That doesn't mean I don't try to play them. When I was a kid my dad used to play Quake all the time and Big Sister and I got him to teach us how to play. Even then I had a tendency to get distracted. I was more interested in exploring every nook and cranny and taking the time to make sure everything was dead and all secrets were discovered - even if it meant using cheat codes to enter godmode, walk through walls or even fly (don't judge me, I was eight).

I also thoroughly enjoyed Half-life (1 and 2), F.E.A.R. and Doom, but the fact remains... I have terrible twitch reflexes and when I get startled I panic, shooting with abandon (in game, I don't shoot with abandon in real life). I'm also an expressive gamer. I get really into games. I talk to characters, make faces, get emotionally attached, I'm easily side tracked, I have a terrible sense of direction in REAL life let alone in video games, the whole nine yards. All of this comes together and makes me really bad at first-person-shooters.

When I was fifteen a few friends of mine and Cousin D (who was visiting from Germany) and I went to a LAN up the hill from where I lived. We were all going to play Battlefield 1942, a first person shooter.

I was so terrible at this game I didn't even know what team I was on. I thought my friend sitting next to me was on my team so when I stumbled across an abandoned building with a flag pole and changed the flag color from white to some random (as far as I was concerned) color I leaned over to my friend and told him. He ignored me. He shouldn't have.

I had been killed so many times that even people on the other team ignored me if they saw me run by or staring at a wall. This meant I didn't die as much. I took the opportunity to try and learn how to fly an airplane.

I tried flying that airplane but I kept turning upside down, or crash landing so eventually I just started driving it along the ground.

I drove that plane along the ground to three different abandoned bases and changed all the flags to the random color that I had learned was my team color. Each time I leaned over and told my friend what I had just done. He continued to ignore me.

Suddenly the game ended announcing that my team had won, despite the other team getting more kills. No one knew how until someone mentioned that they had no idea how we (my team) had gotten so many flags. That's when I told them what I had spent my time doing.

That's also when I learned the guy that was sitting next to me that I had been talking to all along was on the other team.

Next example:

Mom, Big Sister and I were visiting family in Germany for the holidays and Cousin N and D were playing Black Hawk Down online. They invited Big Sister and I to play as well. I eagerly hop on and start exploring the war-torn town when I notice there is a BATH TUB in the window of the building in front of me.

It was over. I needed to find that bath tub and jump in it.

Someone shot me and I died.

I respawned somewhere else, but my past life still carried with me the memory of the bath tub and the desire to be in it. It became my mission to find that house again. It took me an hour of constantly dying and and coming back to life until I found that house. Overjoyed I ran through the house and into the room with the tub.

I stopped and stared at it reverently for a moment before I jumped to fulfill the final desire I had... and bounced off an invisible wall.

Shock took over. No... why? Why would the creators of this map do such a thing?! Why would they put a bath tub there that no one could jump in?! It couldn't be real!

I had entered the stage of denial, trying repeatedly from different angles, hoping that there would be a way around the damned invisible wall but there was no such luck. I tried bargaining, asking my cousins if they knew how to get in the bath tub. They ignored me.

Anger followed (yes, I go out of order when it comes to the stages of loss). I was furious that I had spent so much time dedicated to this task for something as stupid as an invisible wall to prevent me from succeeding. In a blind rage I threw a grenade at the tub. It bounced off the cursed invisible wall and hit me, exploding and killing my character.

I sat in the chair, not moving despite my character coming back to life somewhere random on the map. I felt sadness before I gave up and told my cousins I wasn't having fun anymore.

I don't think I've ever accepted it. It haunts me to this day.


Thursday, January 13, 2011

Family Relationships: Mother

I know a lot of people that think their moms are crazy.

But my mom is REALLY CRAZY!


My mother are I two very different and very alike at the same time. We both love animals and we both have a tendency to accidentally insult people by being blunt and tactless. However where I'm logical and straightforward my mother is emotional and chaotic. I'm independent and don't care what people think and my mother needs people to NEED her.

When I was younger and still living under my parents roof this caused us to butt heads constantly. Since I've moved out and stopped having dreams of murder we've actually gotten along quite well.

About eight years ago, my father had difficulty deciding what to get mumsie dearest for her birthday. She had been wanting a dog for a while since our family dog Lady had passed away, but my dad held out for months. I, very carefully, suggested that all she really wanted was a dog, so maybe the best present would be to get her a collar and leash and let her pick out a dog.

Soon Rylie was in the picture and my mom had discovered her true purpose in life. My mother realized the only reason she existed was to take care of her dogs. She loves those dogs more than anything on the planet. She made this clear to me on multiple occasions.

"That's why I love my dogs more than I love you - they don't steal my socks!" - after I had borrowed a pair of socks from her drawer because I didn't have any clean ones. In all fairness, I did not ask her permission. In all fairness (again), I didn't ask because I knew she would say no. This is also an untrue statement because the dogs totally stole her socks to chew on them.

"Emily, if you're sick... go to hell!" - in my recent visit to Utah my sister, mom and I were all sick. I was on vacation so I took on the attitude of denial and was sitting on the couch watching Dexter with my friend. She heard me hacking up a storm and was probably on the verge of saying "Go to bed" but knew I wouldn't so she changed mid-thought.

"When did you start this movie?"
"About fifteen, twenty minutes ago." - Me
"Well that's not fair! Why would you start a movie I haven't seen fifteen minutes before I come home?!" - My sister, friend and I stared at her in bewilderment for a few seconds. We had no idea she hadn't seen the movie, or that she was even close to home, or what that had to do with fairness.

"You have to be good at singing if you want to be a singer." - after I told her I wanted to be a singer WHEN I WAS THREE!

"You shouldn't cry, you aren't cute when you cry" - does that need more explanation?

I love my mom but the woman is crazy. I really feel like she'd be better than the Osbornes on TV. That or at least have a wiretap in the house and make a weekly podcast of stuff she says.

I mean, the woman stores pots and pans and other excess IN THE OVEN! Then she yelled at me for turning it on without taking stuff out? The oven is not a cabinet.

Did I mention she is German? As in, from Germany GERMAN? Yeah. I feel like that explains a lot.


Friday, January 7, 2011

What Becomes Of Snow?

It seems I've been missing since the 23rd of December.

I'd apologize but frankly I was on vacation with my family and only recently returned and got my life back in order. So I really can't say I'm sorry for not posting when I'm not at all. I had a blast.

I also got many blog ideas so I will not be slacking in that area.

It begins now.

I don't know if I mentioned this before but I spent much of my young childhood in Germany.

After that we moved to Southern California and since then I haven't really seen snow. Being so young in Germany I didn't care what snow looked like up close, I just wanted to do stuff in it like roll around and ruin it before anyone else did. It's a passion I hold with today.

A few years ago I had a brief stint in Utah when I followed my family and friends out there. That four months I was too busy spending most of it being an alcoholic chain smoker and working two jobs rather than do anything in the snow, even though I chose the winter months to live out there (though I still had a passion for wrecking undisturbed snow).

However this past year I decided that snow is AWESOME and I LOVE it and I could not wait to visit my folks over the holidays so that I could play in it! Sure enough the day after Christmas right while my mom and I were bickering I turned around and it had started snowing. Filled with childlike joy three of my moms dogs and I ran outside in circles. They were barking, I was laughing and mom was yelling at me for making a ruckus. I ruined as much snow as possible before collapsing and making a snow angel which the dogs promptly ruined by running all over it and me as I rolled around.

It was pure joy.

I also learned a few things about snow that I did not know before, having lived so long in such a mild, calm, temperate climate.

I was joyously shoveling the driveway, walkway and stairs for my mom (this being a novel and interesting chore I was happy to do it) when I got the urge to catch some snow in my gloves. After a few moments I realized with amazement that snowflakes DO IN FACT LOOK LIKE SNOWFLAKES! I thought maybe they were minuscule or romanticized by card makers everywhere because all I had ever seen of real snow was little clumps. Now that I was paying attention there were delicate, intricate details that I had cut out of paper when I was a child. I yelled for mom and showed her on my gloves.

Mom: What is it?

E : They really look like Snowflakes! Look!

Mom: ... You are so from California. Finish the driveway.

A few days later I shared another realization with my friend while we were shopping.

Moony: I hate the snow.

E : Are you kidding! It's amazing! I love it!

Moony: Because you don't have to live in it.

E : Well I did learn a few things.

Moony: That it's terrible?

E : No. I just wanted to have a snowball fight. But I learned that if you get snow, pack it together into a ball and throw it at someone it doesn't actually start a snowball fight. they just yell at you. I tried twice.

Moony: ....

E : I just wanted it to be like in the movies where everyone laughs and it starts a huge fun snowball fight.

Moony: You really need to stop living in a fantasy world.

I didn't think it was too much to ask for. I think it's perfectly reasonable. I also think those folks were rude for yelling at me and that the world still owes me an awesomely fun snowball fight!