Thursday, January 13, 2011

Family Relationships: Mother

I know a lot of people that think their moms are crazy.

But my mom is REALLY CRAZY!


My mother are I two very different and very alike at the same time. We both love animals and we both have a tendency to accidentally insult people by being blunt and tactless. However where I'm logical and straightforward my mother is emotional and chaotic. I'm independent and don't care what people think and my mother needs people to NEED her.

When I was younger and still living under my parents roof this caused us to butt heads constantly. Since I've moved out and stopped having dreams of murder we've actually gotten along quite well.

About eight years ago, my father had difficulty deciding what to get mumsie dearest for her birthday. She had been wanting a dog for a while since our family dog Lady had passed away, but my dad held out for months. I, very carefully, suggested that all she really wanted was a dog, so maybe the best present would be to get her a collar and leash and let her pick out a dog.

Soon Rylie was in the picture and my mom had discovered her true purpose in life. My mother realized the only reason she existed was to take care of her dogs. She loves those dogs more than anything on the planet. She made this clear to me on multiple occasions.

"That's why I love my dogs more than I love you - they don't steal my socks!" - after I had borrowed a pair of socks from her drawer because I didn't have any clean ones. In all fairness, I did not ask her permission. In all fairness (again), I didn't ask because I knew she would say no. This is also an untrue statement because the dogs totally stole her socks to chew on them.

"Emily, if you're sick... go to hell!" - in my recent visit to Utah my sister, mom and I were all sick. I was on vacation so I took on the attitude of denial and was sitting on the couch watching Dexter with my friend. She heard me hacking up a storm and was probably on the verge of saying "Go to bed" but knew I wouldn't so she changed mid-thought.

"When did you start this movie?"
"About fifteen, twenty minutes ago." - Me
"Well that's not fair! Why would you start a movie I haven't seen fifteen minutes before I come home?!" - My sister, friend and I stared at her in bewilderment for a few seconds. We had no idea she hadn't seen the movie, or that she was even close to home, or what that had to do with fairness.

"You have to be good at singing if you want to be a singer." - after I told her I wanted to be a singer WHEN I WAS THREE!

"You shouldn't cry, you aren't cute when you cry" - does that need more explanation?

I love my mom but the woman is crazy. I really feel like she'd be better than the Osbornes on TV. That or at least have a wiretap in the house and make a weekly podcast of stuff she says.

I mean, the woman stores pots and pans and other excess IN THE OVEN! Then she yelled at me for turning it on without taking stuff out? The oven is not a cabinet.

Did I mention she is German? As in, from Germany GERMAN? Yeah. I feel like that explains a lot.


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