Internet Dating Adventure Fail Example #5

Toward the end of my cautious optimism involving OkCupid I initiated conversation with an interesting fellow. He was a musician and he had some cool dreadlocks! I had no illusions that he was "the one" by any means but he at least seemed interesting to talk to. We had some back and forth regarding his band and music that we liked. He even linked me to his bands page (it wasn't bad).

A few days later Big Sister and Moony were in town and I met up with them at Starbucks. We were just gonna hang out and sketch together while catching up so I was really dressed down. I believe I was still wearing my pajamas and this old ratty oversized black hoodie. I wasn't wearing makeup and I don't think I even brushed my hair, I just threw it in a ponytail. If I remember correctly I also hadn't bothered with shoes (which really isn't that uncommon for me, shoes suck). I didn't look homeless but I certainly looked broke as shit, not that I cared.

I don't know why, but I get approached by people asking for money a lot. I don't look like I have a lot of money so I really don't know what the attraction is. I used to feel really guilty about it and sometimes if I had change or a couple bucks I'd hand it over. Recently I got freakin' sick of it, especially because many of the people asking act like I don't notice their shiny new brand name shoes or hat, so now if someone asks if I have "spare change" I say no without any hesitation or apology.

So I'm sitting at Starbucks with my much more attractive sister and much more attractive friend drawing in a sketchbook, drinking coffee and talking about transformers (I assume, that seems to dominate the conversation when Big Sister is around lately) when a guy with cool looking dreadlocks comes up and interrupts. He asks if we have spare change. Big Sister gets really flustered and apologizes profusely, Moony politely declines I use my usual semi-annoyed "No" when something clicks. Something is really familiar about those dreadlocks and the shirt he's wearing.

Then I realize holy beans this is the dude I was talking to on OkCupid currently. His shirt is even the same one in the picture. I guess I was lucky I was so dressed down because he didn't recognize me at all as I stared at him in semi-horror. He thanks us and walks away. I wanted to vomit. I felt fear, annoyance, rage, surprise, shock, disappointment and disbelief all at once as I tried to think of a way to explain what just happened to Big Sister and Moony.

Eventually I gave up and went back to drawing.

I stopped responding to his messages - ironically the last one was him inviting me to coffee.

-E

Some Things Go Without Saying

I've never been one to be grossed out at the concept of my parents having sex. I don't understand why other people do. Of course, my mind doesn't go specifically to details so that might be it. It could simply be that my parents were also semi-nudists so lack of clothes seems completely normal.

I don't know if it was because my Mom was German, or that we were living in Germany for most of my young life, but my parents thought it would be a good idea to tell my sister and I where babies came from at an early age.

Or maybe it's because my sister would draw these really interesting stick figures having crazy sex. I don't know where she learned it, I just remember seeing her drawings and then mimicking them. I do remember my mom talking very calmly to us and asking if someone had touched us in that way after she found the drawing books. It wasn't the case, but to this day I really don't know where my big sister got her inspiration.

So around that time my mom and dad sat me down (I assume big sister got her own private sit down) and proceeded to tell me about sex and babies. I was engrossed, I had no idea that stuff like this was real, or this complicated. I asked a lot of questions and my parents handled it like champs. They even told me that when Mommy and Daddy go to bed naked they will probably be having sex and that's why I should knock on the door before coming in.

The conversation wrapped up after I-don't-know-how-long and I skipped off to play with Big Sister. My parents admitted they were bursting with pride at how well my sister and I handled this particular milestone.

The next day my school called and my parents sat me down again to talk about privacy.

-E

So Much Racism!

GooBoy: brb gotta restart

E: Augh

E: racist

GooBoy: I AM NOT A RACIST

E: Also, you're totally racist.

GooBoy: I am the least racist person ever, but you are definitely the most racist.... racist.

E: I'm allowed to be racist

E: I'm hispanic

E: that means I'm entitled

GooBoy: no, that's not what that means

E: yeah

GooBoy: how can you possibly justify that?

E: It's true for every minority.

E: Racism is totally allowed.

E: Nigga (but don't you say it, cause that would make you racist which isn't allowed).

GooBoy: ·_·

E: Jimmy to da jizzeeeee! I don't even know what that means but I can SAY IT and if you say it, it means you're trying to hard to be culturally relevant.

GooBoy: that's not what it means

E: ninja please

E: totally what it means.

GooBoy: well now i'm just getting more and more offended

E: you aren't allowed to be offended by racism

E: cause you're white

E: what do you know about prejudice

GooBoy: we talked about this

E: Yeah, about your cushy white boy life that's never known hardship

GooBoy: I'm going to hurt you

GooBoy: so very badly

GooBoy: in or around the face

E: That would be what we call a "hate crime"

E: Right there? That was "hate threatening"

E: Bro you best watch yo' back or the popo's gun be ALL UP IN YER FACE LIKE WWWUUUUUTTT?!

GooBoy: y'know there are times where you scare me

GooBoy: this is one of those times, but for the wrong reasons

E: I'm not following you

E: which is inherently racist

E: you aren't being culturally sensitive to my lower education

E: which is that way simply because of my race and nothing else.

GooBoy: I... have nothing to say

E: How was my gangstaaaaa talk scary?

E: Did you think I would really call the cops on you?

E: I wouldn't do that over something like that.

GooBoy: you were being retarded

E: YOU CALLIN' ALL MINORITIES RETARDED?!

E: Just cause we din' all up and git yer fancy edumacation!?!

E: Insensitive.

GooBoy: -_-

E: That's right.

E: I love this conversation so much I want to have sex with it.

I do. I reaaaallly do.

This conversation has been edited for time.

-E

Internet Dating Adventure Fail Example #4

Sometimes it's really hard for me not to be a smartass.

Him :hi

E :hi

Him :how are you?

E :Trying to work up the desire to clean

E :How are you?

Him :not bad

Him :just think about how great the end result will be

Him :and that you'll burn calories

Him :that's how i try to think of it

E :Oh sure, all that stuff is great

E :But right now I'm on the -internet-

Him :so get off

Him :the internet i mean

E :Okay

And that's when I logged off of OkCupid. So I didn't leave the internet but I thought it was hilarious and figured I would share.

-E

EDIT: I just got this in my inbox

Missed Instant Message:

Him: hello?

Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!

Prenatal Parasites

The dictionary definition of the word parasite:
"1. an animal or plant that lives in or on another (the host) from which it obtains nourishment. The host does not benefit from the association and is often harmed by it"

Keep that in mind throughout this blog.

When I was younger I used to babysit a lot. I made enough money by the age of thirteen that my mother decided I was officially responsible for all my own toiletries, clothes and anything else a person may find useful in everyday life. I was lead to believe that this was normal and I was lucky that I wasn't being charged rent.

It wasn't until much later when I realized that my friends weren't the exceptions when their parents bought them tons of stuff and gave them money.

I didn't mind though. I really loved babysitting. I felt like I was getting paid to play with kids, watch TV, do homework and just in general have a good productive time. I love kids. To this day I feel more comfortable with them than I do most adults (fewer kid serial killers probably has something to do with this).

When I was eighteen I developed heavily into a phobia. I had a pretty traumatic experience and it got to the point where if I saw an infant I would have a panic attack, sob and generally do anything I could to get away. Even pregnancy would make me distinctly uncomfortable and I would go out of my way to avoid a pregnant lady. This made work difficult when you work at a place like Best Buy or Applebees (I don't anymore, stalkers! Don't get your hopes up). At about 6 months old they (the babies) get okay, when they start having facial expressions, become more mobile, develop more independence and just act more human in general.

Now, because I'm a logical being (Robot) I had to find a way to rationalize this fear. Knowing the cause wasn't making it any easier, and any progress I was making was slow. So I turned to research. I learned about pregnancy and stages of infancy. I learned about what happens when a woman is with child. I learned about how extensive caring for an infant is.

Then I finally figured it out. Fetus' are parasites. They grow inside the womb, destroying their mothers skin fibers, stealing nutrients via amniotic fluid and umbilical cords, causing the bodies hormones to react in unpredictable ways as the body tries desperately to return to homeostasis. Then when they are born the mother must continue consuming enough nutrients to have a supply of food for the same infant she must clean and lose sleep over. Throughout this entire time there is nothing to be gained from this relationship that benefits the mother.

Fetus' and infants are parasites. Females are the hosts.

I don't have panic attacks anymore, which took a lot of conditioning, but I'm still uncomfortable around pregnant women and infants.

Which is doubly weird cause I think tapeworms are neat.

-E

Internet Dating Adventure Fail Example #3

The internet dating world is full of guys who don't want to be shallow, but are. They spend a lot of time talking about how they like "healthy" girls, because we only have one body and we shouldn't abuse it. Sometimes these guys are fit themselves, sometimes they aren't. Personally I think there's nothing wrong with knowing what you find attractive, but I'm certainly annoyed that they think because it's "healthy appearance" that excludes them from the "shallow" category.

I had a bit of back and forth with one of these self professed health nuts. I do mention on my profile, in the spirit of honesty, that I'm overweight and in the process of losing.

Teh haps:i saw your in middle of losing weight, to reach your goal

Teh haps:how is that going?

He brings it up first, we were in the middle of a conversation about travel so I don't even know where the gentle segue was.

E :Until this semester ends it's unfortunately at a standstill. I'm getting older and I can't rock the 18 hour days like I used to

E :Next semester I'll be doing online classes so that should allow for more gym time

I answer honestly. It's only fair, especially since I know this is something important to him. Also I don't have any real interest so if I scare him away I'm not too concerned.

Teh haps:so why is it on a standstill?

As though I didn't just answer that.

Teh haps:are you still watching what you ear?

Teh haps:eat?

Delving for more information. This is where I start to feel uncomfortable, I know it can't really go well.

E :It's at a standstill because I'm working full time and going to school full time. Something had to give and unfortunately it was gym time

E :yes, I am still eating right.

Again I answer honestly. My plate is really full and when I leave the house at seven in the morning and don't get home until ten in the evening, I have to sleep at some point.

Teh haps:truthfully, if you just eat right, that itself will lose a lot of weight for you

This is when I realize that he's not as informed about health as he thinks he is. Not everyone's body works the same, for me if I don't work out hard and eat really well I don't lose weight. Not to mention losing weight without exercise just means the person is going to be skinny and flabby. That's not attractive. I chose not to call him out on it, hoping that eventually the subject would just change sooner.

Teh haps:if you dont mind me asking, how much are you trying to lose?

I didn't mind.

E :Umm, I think I have another 60lbs to go.

I wanted to change the subject here, but I forced myself to keep going because I knew this would be a great blog if he kept on trucking.

Teh haps:its one of the hardest things, eating right

Because obviously I don't know that.

E :I know :/

I was finding it pretty hard to not just start talking about bacon or something.

Teh haps:its a mental thing

Teh haps:if we could just "go crazy" for 2-3 months

Teh haps:lose what you need to lose

Teh haps:then learn how to eat properly

Teh haps:it would make things easier

Teh haps:haha

Wut?

E :Go crazy?

Teh haps:like only eat what you are supposed to eat

I was under the impression that this was supposed to be a lifestyle change for it to properly work but apparently this guy had a completely different idea.

Teh haps:stop eating 2 hour before you go to sleep

I get into this part later because this misconception is a pet peeve of mine.

Teh haps:drink the amount of water that you need

Teh haps:just go at it in full force

Teh haps:and hit the gym for 45min to 1hour a day

Teh haps:if i did that for 1 month...i would be ripped haha

He was really starting to get on my nerves at this point, but I continued to try and stay in control.

E :I like how you're lecturing me and you don't even know my program

Key word: "Try"

E :Also that don't eat before bed thing has been disproved

Really!

Teh haps:really?

Really.

E :Yep

E :Most metabolism myths have

E :like eating breakfast to "jump start" your metabolism. It's true that it causes you to eat less throughout the day, but that has more to do with feeling hungry than metabolic burn

My thoughts here were that if I could show how much I knew he would lay off.

Teh haps:i could be wrong...but the theorys that i have learned

Teh haps:(i am getting into personal training)

Teh haps:still hold true to those 'myths;

He's getting snippy with me, which I found amusing. He was acting like you can't google articles and get the same information a personal trainer could tell you. I thought he was ridiculous.

E :You could be wrong. But how much of that have you just been told and accepted and how much are studies that you read up on yourself?

I intentionally did not leave an option for me to be wrong.

Teh haps:well everything we learn is just someone tell it to us

Teh haps:based on their research

Before I could tell him how idiotic his statement was and how it didn't apply to this situation he covered his tracks. Yes, if you zoom way out to look at the picture this would be true. Since that's not how the real world works....

Teh haps:of course i read up and do research

This disclaimer shows that he also realized his words were showing his dumb.

Teh haps:but essesntially its all one mans research or opinion

Then he went back to being dumb by trying to tie in his argument.

E :well since I don't have to bring up the actual study...

I was being antagonistic at this point. I admit that.

E :http://nutritiondiva.quickanddirtytips.com/does-eating-late-cause-weight-gain.aspx

This site is run by a professional nutritionist that offers free advice.

Teh haps:http://www.flat-stomach-exercises.com/eating-habits.html

This site is trying to sell you a book about how to lose weight "fast".

Teh haps:the article you sent me does make a valid point...that not eating 3 hours before going to sleep wont make you gain more weight

Teh haps:but at the same time it wont promote weight loss

He actually read the article wrong. Long story short the issue is behavioral and if you gorge yourself in the evening you won't lose weight. However if you eat healthy throughout the day and train yourself to eat healthily it doesn't matter when you eat, just how many calories you consumed.

E :Haha, the difference in our sources is mine is a professional just giving advice and yours is trying to sell me something.

I went back to trying to be nice. Almost.

E :Look, you've already made up your mind about what nutrition advice you want to follow and I understand you're just really excited about nutrition and whatnot, but I've lost 40lbs doing what works for my body, I didn't ask for your advice.

Okay, not really.

Teh haps:i didnt bring it up to give you advice...i think it just kinda led into what i think....but it wasnt an attack on you

As usual my bluntness puts him on the defensive and I got excuses.

E :Okay

That is when we stopped talking. I know I was being mean, but I really do have little patience for idiocy or deceit. It's okay to have standards when it comes to attractiveness. This whole stigma attached to appearance is so ridiculous! Society is trying to guilt trip people into having ugly children! That's not how evolution works.

I also could not stand the way he typed! UGH!

Maybe I am too picky?

-E

The Truth Hurts

When I was nine one of the other kids in my classed said that Santa was not real. We got into an argument and eventually it lead to a fist fight. This is about the time that my parents decided to sit me down and let me know the truth.

I remember sobbing for hours as my parents put me through this necessary step toward becoming a grown up. My father felt guilty for lying to me about Santa, because I had trusted him so blindly and it lead to this. My sister made fun of me and my mom got tired of me crying and wandered away because she thought I was being dramatic.

Finally my father told me that Santa may not exist in the north pole but that he existed in our hearts and that was what was really important. I took this to mean that I could believe in whatever I wanted and it would become real. I spent most of the rest of the day proclaiming that I could see unicorns in our backyard and that it was sunny (despite the overcast nature of the day).

My sister confided in me a few years later that she was sure my mind had been broken by the trauma of it all.

A few months ago some friends and I were having a few drinks and talking. Somehow the topic of the Blue Man Group came up. I've never seen any of their shows live or follow where they play or anything. Everything that I know about BMG I know from stumbling across a show broadcasted on television or snippets caught online. I mentioned that I thought the three of them were incredibly talented.

Then the ugly truth came out. I was informed that they have a show almost everyday in Vegas and if they did not somehow have more members there would be no way for tours to occur elsewhere. I first suspected a dozen, then may be a couple dozen until finally it was revealed that there were well over a hundred rigorously trained blue men and that the original guys didn't even perform anymore except on very rare occasions.

I was speechless. I tried to get my friends to admit they were kidding, that they were just saying that to mess with me. I needed them to tell me this. But it was all to no avail. It was the truth and no matter how much coercion I could manage I couldn't make the reality any less real.

Just like sitting on Santa's lap at the mall had lost it's appeal, any interest I had in seeing Blue Man Group live has dissipated. Santa and the original three will live on in my heart forever though.

IS THAT A UNICORN?!

-E

What Not To Do On A Dating Website

As I mentioned before I spent some time on OkCupid before realizing internet dating was not my thing. As a brutally honest paranoid I think I'm in a unique position to offer some feedback on what guys should not put in their profile or should not be said in a message. Here's what I have so far.

1) You can trust me, I'm the nicest guy in (enter location here)
The illogical nature of this sentence almost makes my brain short circuit. I encountered this, presented as a serious argument, twice. The first time I expressed an unwillingness to meet just yet and this is how he tried to convince me. Being me, I immediately thought "That's exactly what a serial killer rapist would say". I told the guy that by asking me to trust him because he was trustworthy wasn't really a point in his favor, in fact it was a tautology. I suggested not doing it again and he was offended. He told me that I was judgmental and mean then tried to guilt trip me into meeting with him in public. I stopped talking to him.

After that encounter I actually put on my profile under my list of Do's and Don'ts to please not say "You can trust me, I'm the nicest guy in (location)" because it was creepy and weird. A week or so later I was talking to a guy and he said that he had noticed on my profile that I had put that. His response? "I know you don't want to hear this, but you really can trust me. I'm really nice." I told him that he was creepy and it wasn't going to work. Then I blocked him and tried to reign in a panic attack. So much was going through my mind I don't know what came first (after the initial OMG RUN reflex). I do know that there was severe annoyance and shock that he somehow thought he was super special and exempt from the rules. Confusion because I don't think I had given him any indication that I even liked him that much.

So anyway, don't say stuff like that. It's creepy.

2) Don't start off your profile with "My friends made me to do this, I don't really know what to write... just message me if there's anything you want to know"
There's four things wrong with starting off a profile like this. The first is that this is not original or cute anymore, way too many people use it. All the ladies have seen the Romantic Comedies where the guy gets lassoed into doing something and while this tactic may work on the less creative of the female populace, it doesn't work on anyone worthwhile.

The second part is that it makes me think that you're a pushover ninny and you just do what people tell you to. Don't start off a profile acting like you don't have some kind of choice. You sound whiny when you say your friends "made" you do something. Wah wah, if you didn't want to do it, you didn't have to. If you wanted to, then own up to it. Or better yet, you don't even have to mention it because obviously if you're on the site you want to do it. It goes without saying.

The third part is probably the most irritating for me, personally. You don't know what to say about yourself? Really? You should understand yourself at least well enough to start off with some likes and dislikes. How do you not know what to say? Can you really not start off with where you are in life right now? You're not interesting or mysterious just because you don't disclose that you play halo for eights hours a day and are unemployed (that's my default assumption for someone that has a profile like this unless they specify otherwise elsewhere).

The fourth and final part is the trap where you are instructing others to message you if they want to know anything. Um, no. That's not how this game works. It's pretty straightforward. Like fishing. You put bait on the hook, cast the line and then wait for a fish to bite. You don't lean over the side and say, "Hey fish! If you want to see if there's any tasty food in this boat you should totally hop in." It doesn't work like that. Any fish that falls for that should drop out of the gene pool anyway (That's my analogy for one night stand v. relationship, get it? Too vague? Okay).

3) Don't be negative
Don't say stuff like "I'm really boring" or "I'm so lonely" or spend your whole profile talking about stuff you hate. This is a sign of serious lack of confidence, low self esteem and some prominent clingyness (that's not a real word. Why is that not a real word? It should be a real word). All you're portraying is that you're miserable and are incomplete without someone else and frankly, it reeks of desperation.

I'm not saying deny any of your faults, for the record. There are ways of putting a positive light on negative situations. Like how someone might say, "Yeah I'm overweight, but no one will love your cooking as much as me!" That's cute.

4) Don't do "tests".
Once again this is really illogical. The person that does this will intentionally misrepresent themselves to make sure you aren't. So in their mind, it's okay for them to lie and be fake, but if you do then you fail and they won't "waste" their time on you. This has happened to me twice. Bad things happen in twos in the internet dating world apparently. I started talking to this one guy because he was an Ayn Rand fan. I found out later that he lied about not only having a good paying job (information that he volunteered! I did not ask him), but he lied about having a job entirely (I'll be honest, having some sort of income is a prerequisite for me. Having income is a pretty good indicator of stability and the type ethics that I look for in a male partner). He said he lied because he was testing to see how many girls were only out for his money. I told him I was out for honesty and stopped talking to him.

5) Don't pull the race card.
I've actually come across profiles and messages where it was insinuated that if I didn't respond that I was racist. In the mind of these guys there was no possibility that I wasn't interested because they lived too far away, or did drugs on a regular basis, or we just disagreed on fundamental issues. If I didn't respond, it would be because I'm a racist. I'm sure somewhere there are a few self-hating (insert ethnicity here) chicks that fall into that trap to prove how "open-minded" they are but I believe that this tactic is a form of manipulation. At it's core that is evil and only brings me right back into the "OMG RAPIST" mentality. That's completely normal, right?

So that's what I've got so far. I'm sure I'll be able to collect more later and add to the list as time goes on and I have new encounters or randomly remember old ones.

-E