A Few Changes

I've obviously customized my blog. Let me know what you think - I may or may not care.

I think my biggest problem with it is that you have to have the page maximized to get the full impact of the wallpaper.

Edit: Nevermind, I fixed that. /edit

This set up also means that I can't do the fancy font color change every time someone talks. I want to break away from that anyway. Of course this means I'm going to have to go through my old blogs and change all the colors.

I will probably make time for this when I'm not at work.

I'm usually at work when I write blog entries.

I know this is not ideal. For my employers. It's ideal for me because it's like I'm getting paid for blogging. Yes, this is cheating but how many of you can say you are paid to blog?

Hmmm?

-E

Too Late To Apologize?

I was recently out of town for a school function. It was the speech state tournament. Very competitive and we've been working for this for a long time.

My roommate was going to be the team mother - a strong black woman that I enjoyed very much. She is an ex-marine and a mom of three kids somewhere in her early thirties. Sometimes her mothering bled over into her interactions with the teammates but most of us enjoy it.

The first thing she asks me as we're unpacking is if I snore.

This is a difficult question. I sometimes snore, but not often. If I'm extra tired, sick (congested), stressed or drunk I will snore. The volume is dependent on how much of each thing is true. I told her as much and she told me not to worry, she had earplugs.

All is well until the final day. I wake up realizing I had slept through the wake up call and my alarms. It wasn't too bad considering I wasn't performing that morning, I was just supposed to watch others, but then I noticed Team Mom was up and dressed and being very quiet. This is unlike her. I immediately sense the awkward. Something is wrong, something is bothering her. She had been bugging me all weekend about practicing and I took it in stride and let her be all motherly and when I had enough I left.

As far as I knew there wasn't anything wrong since I hadn't said anything.

It wasn't until I was halfway through packing (I didn't want to ask her what was wrong, I didn't feel like playing that game) that she spoke up.

"You were snoring so loud last night."

I wasn't too surprised considering I had three of the four issues that usually make me snore. I blubbered an apology, offered to buy her coffee (which she turned down saying she already had some) told her she could have woken me up (which she claims she tried and it didn't work. I believe her) and I was so sorry. She nodded and kept packing until I ran out of things to say. We worked in silence for a while.

After a few more minutes I told her that I wish there was something I could do because I still felt bad.

"You should feel bad."

It was that moment that I stopped feeling guilty. It's embarrassing enough to snore but it's obviously not something I did on purpose. It's not like I went to bed the night before and cackled to myself about how I was going to snore SO LOUD that people in the room next to us would complain! I did everything I could to make it right, apologizing multiple times, offering coffee or breakfast and not once did she tell me it was okay, or it wasn't that big of a deal or even joking demand coffee for a month.

She was seriously upset with me over a condition that I have. It's not even like I snored all four nights, it was just that one and it wasn't even a night before we had to perform. I concluded she was being dramatic. I finished packing in silence, grabbed my stuff and left the room.

How DOES someone make that right? It's socially awkward enough to get caught snoring but to have it held against you? Is that okay? Was I wrong? Should I still feel badly and get her a Starbucks card?

I don't get people.

-E

Classic Nerd Pride

I remember being eight years old and running around to all the kids on the playground asking if they wanted to play Pokemon with me. No one knew what I was talking about. You see, the other day my sister had come home with a cute yellow stuffed creature and told me that its name was Pikachu and it was a pokemon and there were a bunch of them. That weekend we watched the show, my first episode was the introduction of Vulpix (a fast favorite since foxes are my favorite animals).

Throughout most of my conscious life I was obsessed with reading, learning, fantasy worlds, anything off the beaten path really. When I was three my dad showed me how to install things using floppy disks so that I could play computer games. There were a couple stages of my life where I liked something because I thought that was what I was supposed to do, or where I would claim to not like something because it wasn't "cool" enough.

But I was always a nerd.

I had to suffer for my love and passion. I had few real friends and I carried a dictionary and book of Grimm's Fairytale's (the original stories, brutal as they were) with me. I was made fun of, picked on and bullied. I never felt like I fit in and I never understood why. Sometimes it would torment me - the stuff I liked was interesting! Why didn't the other girls like Gargoyles?

When I got to the point where I not only accepted my nerd status, but embraced it I finally made a couple real friends (including my sister). That didn't stop us from being alienated from everyone else. We got used to being called names and scoffed at for playing Yu-Gi-Oh cards or obsessively bantering about Harry Potter trivia and Lord Of The Rings.

We developed a complex - obviously those other people are idiots and don't know what they are talking about. We were the real cool ones.

As we continued to age into our late teens we noticed a growing trend. It was no longer difficult to find paraphernalia. San Diego Comic-con was becoming exceptionally crowded. Forums that were once practically bare became inundated with mindless babble that caused the true fans to desert. Things that were not "nerdy" so much as "trendy" became incorporated in what WE loved to do. Inuyasha, I'm looking at you.

It all reached a peak with Twilight at the 2008 Comic-con. Nerds everywhere got fed up.

I completely sympathize with this.

I suffered for my love and dedication. I spent most of my childhood and much of my adult life with select few friends because of my interests. Misunderstood and alienated because I dared to love freely. Now that it's considered "cool" to be a nerd it's suddenly okay for people to take over? I am stripped of my special status and being lumped in with them!?

When a so-called-fan can't even tell me what the Green Lantern's alter ego is named I draw the line.

You are NOT allowed to claim to be a nerd, or a geek if you didn't suffer. This a badge of honor! A purple heart! If you did not suffer you will never understand! You do not get to play Halo for eight hours and claim to be a nerd. You do not get to watch Star Wars, rip on Trekkies and then call yourself a nerd.

When it's no longer popular and you find yourself obsessing over Vampire Diaries you will know the truth, as will we all already do. You are not a nerd. We will go back to suffering in silence. We will go back to our pride and knowledge that the true fans... we are better than you.

You know who you are.

-E

Random Cute

I was hanging out at my friend Joe J Johnson II's house while a few other people were over. A young girl that was the daughter of one of the other guests was there as well. We discussed random things.

Joe J: Did you know that race car backwards is still race car?
Little Girl: No it isn't! It's car race!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last week as I was leaving school late, the sun was setting. It was particularly cold out. As I was pulling out into the street I noticed a teenaged boy standing on the corner in shorts and a hoodie holding a sign that simply said, "Be Happy!"

I smiled and waved - and I was happy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recently I was texting my friend, I let him know that I was on my way to a party where there would be drinking.

Deebles: So should I expect drunk tits from you?
Deebles: TEXTS! I meant to put TEXTS! Stupid autocorrect!!
E: Suuuure... I think that's what they call a Freudian slip.
Deebles: I'm so glad I'm not within arms reach or you would have slapped me.

He's full of it. I thought it was hilarious.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next to my apartment complex is a ravine, and in it lives a homeless man. I call him "The Happy Hobo" because every morning bright and early when I leave for work or volunteer duty he's dancing and waving at the passing traffic while standing at the entrance to my complex. Seeing him always reminds me that happiness is an entirely personal thing to define.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whenever I take a bath or shower my cats get really dramatic. They know how to open the bathroom door so they always barge in and start meowing and looking at me as though to say, "Why are you doing that!? There's WATER in there! You are getting WET!"

I just tell them they're overreacting.

-E

Fireside Stories Of A Fangirl (Cont.)

I was so excited for the Kyle XY panel that I went in to the panel before it to make sure I had a seat. It was pretty interesting - the panel was hosted by BET and talked about black superheros and what an impact they have on today's society. I didn't pay too much attention though, I kept going back to the picture I drew and agonizing over whether it would go over well or if I should even bother. Maybe I should have just acknowledged that I missed out?

The panel started. The crowd, mostly girls, cheered when Matt Dallas was asked to show if he actually had a belly button (he does). After the hosted interview and promotions for the show the floor opened for questions. My sister and two friends urged me into line where I waited what felt like way too long for my turn. I went over and over in my mind what I would say.

My turn came and my preparation went out the window. Trembling, I shyly leaned into the mic, "Actually, I have more a request than a question."

The room went quiet and the host told me to continue.

"I... drew a piece of fan art for Matt. I was wondering if I could give it to him?"

The next few moments were insane. I was told that I COULD give it to him, but they didn't just have me walk forward and hand it to him, I was gestured to GO ON THE STAGE. Next thing I knew I was walking toward the most beautiful man I had ever seen as he stood to greet me. Still shaking I handed him the picture which he took and looked at for a moment.

Looking back up at me I immediately get caught up in his eyes. My first thought was that the camera just didn't do those eyes justice. He spoke. He spoke! I tried to pay attention.

"It's so cute, thank you!"

And then he hugged me.

On stage.

He smelled so good.

I couldn't tell if the other fangirls were cheering or screaming in envy, either way there was a lot of sound.

I left the stage and sat down next to my sister, still giddy and shaking. The rest of the panel was a bit of a blur. Girls around me kept glance-glaring back at me. My sister and friends teased me. The panel ended.

That was when my sister decided to share with me that she had recorded everything on her camera. Later that night when we watched it over we could hear other girls around us call me a "lucky bitch" and all sorts of colorful things along with exclamations of "Why her?!".

I was a bit proud.

That ends my fangirliest moment.

-E

Fireside Stories Of A Fangirl

I'm a pretty dedicated nerd. I'm not the kind of nerd that's hyper specialized but I like a lot of different things. When I really like something it's kind of ridiculous how into it I get.

When in my late teens I got into a show called Kyle XY. I loved the story, the acting, the writing and especially...

Matt Dallas.

I'm usually more attracted to guys with obvious flaws but I felt like he was so perfect. It was stupid how smitten I was with this guy that I had never even met. A completely unique experience, usually the guys that I felt this way about were fictional (anime character types).

Imagine my joy when I was at Comic-Con and learned that the entire main cast was going to be there. The suspense was killing me. I went to the booth to inquire about the autographs, I highlighted the panel I wrote a letter and drew a picture of me jumping on his back while he called for security. It was bad. So bad.

Saturday came and I eagerly went straight to the booth where the autographs would be held after the panel to double check. My world crumbled a bit when I was informed that they had already handed out all the passes for the autograph session. I was crushed and infuriated. I had been told that all I had to do was show up, that there was no talk of passes. I walked through comic-con until I found Big Sister and Willow. Unable to keep in the feelings anymore I hugged them and started crying.

They comforted me, assured me that at the panel I'd still get to see them. They said that when they open the floor for questions I should ask to give Matt Dallas my letter and picture since I wouldn't have a chance to talk to him. I was calmed.

To be continued....

-E

Family Relationships: Sister

My big sister? She be CRAZY.

I know, I said my mom was crazy, and she is! But my sister? She. Be. CRAZY!

Big Sister and I are very close in age. With only fourteen months separating us we were often lumped together and expected to share everything. It wasn't uncommon for mom to buy us the exact same items, but in different colors. For example my favorite stuffed bunny was turquoise and I named her Angelica, whereas my sisters was pink and was named Baby.

Despite the closeness in age we were very different. My sister was outgoing, never hesitating to explore new places or walk up to people and try to make friends. For example when we were in a restaurant and Big Sister toddled up to a guy at the bar and said, "My mommy bought me new panties!" and proceeded to pull up her dress to show him, then ask where his mommy and daddy were.

I was more observant. I would sit back and watch my sister do things. If she got in trouble I never pushed it, but if she didn't get in trouble I would mimic and use the "But Big Sister didn't get in trouble!" excuse.

As we left toddlerhood some other differences became more apparent. According to my parents we were both tested. Big Sisters results were "learning disabled" and my results were "gifted". This is probably where our family split in relationships stemmed from. My mother, as I mentioned before, needs to be needed. She is drawn to situations, people and animals that will rely on her. She and Big Sister grew close. My father valued independence and growth. He and I grew close.

A rivalry developed between my sister and I. She had a lot that I was jealous of and I resented her lifestyle a lot. To me it seemed she got by with minimal effort and hand holding whereas I was held to a higher standard. I had to WORK to get anything. She was personable, sweet, charming and pretty whereas I was bossy, sarcastic, critical and chubby. I became angry, the smallest thing would set me off and I physically struck her a lot.

It wasn't until middle school that I came to the conclusion that the test results were bogus. I stopped lording over Big Sister that she was "disabled" whereas I was "gifted" (no joke, I was awful). I saw that how our parents treated us and what they expected of us as individuals probably had more of an impact on how we developed rather than anything some dumb test could tell us.

I saw that even though we didn't get along very well, we had a lot of the same interests. We fought over the same friends because we looked for the same qualities. It was at this point that a little part of me forgave her. Sure I was still jealous and resentful of how "easy" she had it, but I also realized that maybe I had a bit of a leg up as far as functioning in society.

We bonded. We bonded over Pokemon, Digimon, Dragon Ball Z, Yu Yu Hakusho, other anime. We shared friends and even worked together in our own babysitting business which allowed us to pool our money so we could share DVD's and graphic novels. I learned that Big Sister was incredibly creative and when she has an interest in something she has a ridiculous ability to retain information.

When I was eighteen I felt so guilty about bullying and hitting her all those times I pulled her aside and apologized. I think I was on the verge of tears and right after I hugged her spoke.

Big Sister: Oh that? Most of the time I was antagonizing you. I wanted you to hit me so you'd get in trouble.

I stared at her incredulously for a moment. It was just long enough for all my guilt to dissipate. I swore are her then punched her in the arm.

We both laugh about that to this day.

-E

Some Sleepy-Time Stories II

As may be recalled in THIS POST I have some odd sleep issues.

There are some incidents that don't have as much of a story or background. Like when I woke up on the downstairs couch, or when I woke up outside the family front door at two in the morning completely naked, or even the time my (now ex) boyfriend told me I was rambling about cruise ships for refrigerators. Some do have more stories and those are the ones I will focus on sharing.

This one was told by my sister and happened when I was about fourteen or fifteen.

The family house was small and my room was a 10X10 box. The only way I was able to have both a nice big bed AND a desk is by having one of those awesome frames that has the bed above and the desk below. Somehow, despite this particular obstacle, I managed to climb down from the bed -while asleep- completely wrapped in my comforter and appear in my sisters doorway.

She was sitting at her computer and looked up at me. I blinked a few times then spoke.

E: Do you have a yield sign I can borrow?

Big Sista: What? E, you're asleep.

According to Big Sister I proceeded to look really confused and she walked over and started slapping my face. I protested and pushed her away, insisting that I was awake. I left her in the doorway then turned around and moved to the bathroom doorway across the hall where I stood like a freak for a little while. Then I dropped my comforter, walked back into my room, climbed back up the bed and went to sleep.

I woke up a few hours later freezing cold. I climbed down to find my comforter in the bathroom and Big Sister still awake where she proceeded to explain what just happened.

She still tells this story on a regular basis.

I don't know why I would ever need a yield sign. Or why I would think Big Sister would have one.

-E