Feminist Feminine Femininity

I may have internal reproductive organs but I'm actually quite terrible at being a woman. At least, a woman as expected in today's society.

Sure, I still have the old fashioned bits in me. I tend to play traditional roles when I'm in a relationship. I prefer to do the cooking and cleaning, play house, all that jazz.

As far as being girly, I don't get it. I have terrible fashion sense. No joke, when I go to the store I make a beeline for anything green. Especially if it's lime green. I can't seem to help it, I find the color super attractive and everything else I miss. This is why I always need to go with someone else or I wouldn't have any other colors in my closet. I pretty much refuse to wear pink or purple most of the time.

I do have a sick fascination with stuff that's ugly but it's not supposed to be. I mean, when it's supposed to be ugly it's just not special enough. But when it's supposed to be attractive and it's hideous and the person making obviously is unaware of their ugly making skills I can't help but feel sorry for the poor thing. So then I usually buy it and wear it and rejoice in the ugliness.

When I was a kid I tried really hard to fit in. I liked things because people told me to like them. I claimed pink was my favorite color because girls like pink and since I'm a girl I should like it too. To this day I still have resentment toward that color. Misplaced rage I guess.

I don't do the whole "pampering" thing. I don't wear make up because foundation makes me sweat and I rub my eyes a lot so eyeliner and mascara get smudged. I save that for special occasions only. I don't go to someone to cut my hair, I cut it myself if I get bored. My concept of 'doing' my hair means I don't put it in a ponytail and while it's wet I put in some mousse so that the natural curls can reign free. I don't own a hair dryer or a functioning straightener. I don't like massages because I don't like strangers touching me. I don't like pedicures because I don't like my feet to be touched, I like my callouses, thank you much! I don't like nail polish because it makes my hands sweat. I don't file my nails, I bite them down to size.

I went through a stage where I wore acrylic nails and though there were some definite fun parts to that (I tapped everything obsessively, it's one of the greatest sounds in the world) just having them on my nails was uncomfortable. I ended up gnawing most of them off like a deranged ferret. That became my new hobby, tapping different stuff and gnawing my fake nails. I've since recovered and typing has been so much easier.

I watch Project Runway and all it does is remind me how bad my taste is, because my favorite designer never wins. My showers are quick and efficient. When I take my time and try to relax I'm still barely pushing fifteen minutes. I'm still working on my ability to successfully pull off a guilt trip without laughing because I think they're stupid.

The worst? I'm a logical beast. When people approach me with problems I listen, ask a few questions and finally offer insight and a solution and if I approach someone I appreciate the same in return. This works with most of the males I know but the women? Most of them get so upset with me. They don't want SOLUTIONS! They don't want ANSWERS! They don't want PERSPECTIVES! They just want to be mad, right and justified.

Even worse is when there is no solution or answer. Or if it's already been offered and they just keep on going and I'm stuck wondering what I do now! It's profoundly uncomfortable. Not too long ago another student felt that it was prudent to share with me how sad she was that she lost her boyfriend because she cheated on him. She just kept going on about regret and how she missed him. Eventually she paused and looked at me, expecting something. I stared back, panicked a bit before offering a brilliant response.

"Okay....?"

Awkwaaaaaard....

-E